Sayings / Verses

Funny Sayings List

F1- Some days I just amaze myself…other days I walk around looking for my cell phone while I’m holding it!

F2- While sliding down the banister of life, remember me as a splinter!

F3- I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing.

F4- You can’t fix stupid, even with duct tape AND a hammer!

F5- Don’t bother paying a therapist, I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you for free.

F6- If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not really your friends!

F7- As I get older I realize even duct tape can’t fix stupid…it CAN help muffle it’s sound though!

F8- As I get older I realize I talk to myself because sometimes I need an expert opinion.

F9-As I get older I realize my people skills are just fine, it’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work!

F10- Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your teenagers.

F11- I wanted to go jogging but Proverbs 28:1 says “The wicked run when no one is chasing them.” So there’s THAT!

F12- Life is too short to be serious all the time, so if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me and I’ll laugh at you!

F13- Life is short… smile while you still have teeth!

F14- Life is like a roll of toilet paper…the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

F15- Live your life in such a way that the preacher doesn’t have to lie at your funeral.

F16- I’m multitasking… I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time.

F17A- Retirement…when every day is Saturday…except for Sunday!

F17B- Retirement…Don’t want to. Don’t need to. Can’t make me.

F18M- I smile because you’re my mother, I laugh because there is NOTHING you can do about it!

F18F- I smile because you’re my father, I laugh because there is NOTHING you can do about it!

F18D- I smile because you’re my daughter, I laugh because there is NOTHING you can do about it!

F18S- I smile because you’re my son, I laugh because there is NOTHING you can do about it!

F18B- I smile because you’re my brother, I laugh because there is NOTHING you can do about it!

F18SS- I smile because you’re my sister, I laugh because there is NOTHING you can do about it!

F19- The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

F20- A smile is a sign of joy… a kiss is a sign of love…a laugh is a sign of happiness…and having a friend like me? That’s a sign of REALLY good taste!

F21S- I am your sister, always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up…As soon as I finish laughing.

F21B- I am your brother, always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up…As soon as I finish laughing.

F22- Dear Lord, Please put your arm around me today, and your hand over my mouth.

F23- My entire life can be summed up in one sentence, “well, that didn’t go as planned”.

F24- Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!

F25- When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead, all the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.

F26- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

F27- My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something I don’t want myself to know about.

F28- You can’t tell me what to do….you’re not my grandbaby!

F29- One perk of being my friend…you’ll be the normal one.

F30- As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, I can’t remember the other two.

F31- If my body was a car I’d trade it in for a newer model, ‘cause every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires.

F32- Best friends… You laugh, I laugh too. You cry, I cry too. You fall, I fall too…because I was laughing so hard.

F33- My cooking is so fabulous, even the smoke alarms cheer!

F34- She is clothed in leggings and oversized shirts, and eats without fear of the future. ProbablyMe 24:7

F35- FARMING (fahr-ming) noun The art of losing money while working 400 hours a month to feed people who think you are trying to kill them.

F36- VEGETARIAN – old Indian word for bad hunter.

F37- Multi-tasking…What I call doing something else while trying to remember what I was doing in the first place.

F38- Good friends don’t let you do stupid things….ALONE.

F39- I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you REALLY ticked me off!

F40- Remember, as far as anyone knows… we are a nice, normal family.

F41- It’s ok if some people don’t like you. Not everyone has good taste.

F42- I’m still hot! It just comes in flashes now…

F43- God always answers your prayers. Sometimes He says “Yes”, sometimes “no”, and sometimes, “Are you kidding Me?!?!”

F44- You’ll never find another me. Not sure if that’s good or bad, but it’s the truth.

F45- You’re going to be just fine… you come from a long line of lunatics.

F46H- My husband and I have a strange and wonderful relationship, he’s strange and I’m wonderful.

F46W- My wife and I have a strange and wonderful relationship, she’s strange and I’m wonderful.

F47- The reason I’m old and wise is because God protected me when I was young and stupid.

F48- Money isn’t everything, but it keeps your kids in touch. 

F49- Most people have “ah-ha” moments, I just have “oh for craps sake, are you serious” moments.

F50- Whenever I’m having problems, you are always there… Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there… Let’s face it…you’re just bad luck!

F51- “OLD” is always ten years older than I am.

F52- I don’t age like wine…I age like milk. Getting sour and chunky!

F53- You’re not weird…you’re limited edition!

F54- I’m not snarky…I’m selectively polite.

 F55- Women are angels, and when someone breaks their wing they will continue to fly… only on a broomstick! They’re flexible like that.

F56- The Devil whispered, “I’m coming for you…” I whispered back, “bring pizza!”

F57- The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about expected traffic numbers!

F58- Of course your opinion matters… just not to me!

F59- Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it!

F60- I finally got old enough to do anything I want… I’m just too tired to do it!

F61- Out of all the names I’ve been called, I like Grandpa (Grandma) best!

F62- A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

F63- At this point, I’m sure some people were put on this earth just to test my anger management skills.

F64- I do this thing… it’s called WHATEVER I WANT!

F65- My kids call it “yelling” when I raise my voice. I call it motivational speaking for people who don’t want to listen.

F66- You drop something when you were younger, you just pick it up. When you’re older and drop something, you stare at it for a while contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

F67A- My husband’s wife is freaking awesome!

F67B- My wife’s husband is freaking awesome!

F68- If we were on a sinking ship and there were only one life vest…I would miss you SO MUCH!

F69- Interpretive age chart… at 1-24 yrs you’re a kid, at 25-49 yrs. you’re a young adult, at 50-74 yrs. you’re a middle aged adult, at 75-99 yrs. you’re a senior adult. At 100 + yrs. …you’re OLD!

F70- Alcohol…because no great story ever started with the words…”Here, hold my water!”

F71- New research suggests drinking coffee in the morning helps others live longer.

F72- People should seriously stop expecting normal from me…we all know it’s never gonna happen.

F73- I’m fairly confident my last words will be…”Well Crap! That didn’t work!”

F74-  WELCOME-ish   Depends on who you are and how long you stay.

F75- Friends welcome. Relatives by appointment.

F76- Of course I can drive a stick! (with picture of witch on broom)

F77- You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she’s probably a little upset.

F78- My superpower is holding onto stuff for years and then throwing it out exactly one week before I need it.


INS1- You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.

INS2- Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

INS3- Sometimes you never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

INS4- God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

INS5- Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

INS6- Love is not what you say, love is what you DO!

INS7- Knowledge is knowing what to say, wisdom is knowing whether or not to say it.

INS8- God’s will won’t ever take you where God’s grace will not protect you.

INS9- God is the only reason I made it this far.

INS10- God didn’t add another day to your life because you needed it, He added it because someone out there needs YOU!

INS11- If I could give you one thing in life it would be the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me.

INS12- The giant in front of you is never bigger than the God inside of you.

INS13- Family – Like branches on a tree we grow in different directions, but our roots remain the same.

INS14- Faith is to believe what you do not see, the reward of that faith is to see what you believe.

INS15- Remember, a person who dances in the rain will walk you through the storms.

INS16- Parents should give their children two things, one is roots, the other is wings.

INS17- I threw in the towel, God threw it back and said “wipe your face, you’re almost there!”

INS18- The Devil saw me with my head down and thought he’d won… until I said AMEN!

INS19- When you turn your worries into worship, God will turn your battles into blessings!

INS20- Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

INS21- It’s not WHAT we have in life, but WHO we have in our lives that matters.

INS22- The sweetest time of the day is when you pray, because that is when you’re talking to the one who loves you the most.

INS23- If you don’t know what else to be today, be kind.

INS24- I asked God, “Why are you taking me through troubled water?” He replied, “Because your enemies can’t swim.”

INS25- The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

INS26- The devil wouldn’t be attacking you so hard if there wasn’t something valuable inside of you. Thieves don’t break into empty houses.

INS27- I gave birth to you, I loved you first, I love you still, I always have and always will. Mom

INS28- Behind you, all your memories. Before you, all your dreams. Around you, all who love you. Within you, all you need.

INS29- I know God won’t forsake me, but He sure has scared the snot out of me a time or two!

INS30- The early bird gets the worm…but the second mouse gets the cheese.

INS31GP- Out of all the names I’ve been called, I like grandpa the best!

INS31GM- Out of all the names I’ve been called, I like grandma the best!

INS32- You’ve only got three choices in life; give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got. Choose wisely.

INS33- Mastering the art of slowing down: Step 1) STOP  Step 2) Smell roses

INS34- Years added to your life is good, but life added to your years is better!

INS35- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

INS36- Someday, everything will make perfect sense. But for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.

INS37- Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says “oh, crap! They’re up”!

INS38- Never underestimate a person (man, woman, etc.) powered by prayer!

INS39- If you raise your children, you can spoil your grandkids; but if you spoil your children, you’ll have to raise your grandkids.

INS40- Faith…It doesn’t make things easy; it makes them possible.

INS41- The difference between money and time: you always know how much money you have, but you never know how much time.

INS42- Because of you I laugh a little harder and smile a lot more…THANK-YOU!

INS43- God IS in control, but He doesn’t expect you to lean on a shovel and pray for a hole.

INS44- Lord, please, correct me when I’m wrong. Guide me when I’m lost. Strengthen me when I’m weak. And give me a push when I start to give up.

INS45- Ships don’t sink because of the water AROUND them…they sink because of the water that gets IN them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside and weigh you down. (Isaiah 43:2)

INS46- CONFORMITY is doing what everyone else is doing, regardless of what is right. MORALITY is doing what is right, regardless of what everyone else is doing.

INS47- Sometimes what didn’t work out for you REALLY worked out for you.

INS48- It’s not happy people who are thankful… It’s thankful people who are happy.

INS49- God doesn’t create tragedy so He can do good things. He meets us at the tragedy and does good things through it.

INS50- Love the people God gave you because one day He will need them back.

INS51- I still believe in Amazing Grace, that there is Power In The Blood, that He Walks With Me And He Talks With Me… and that Because He Lives I can Face Tomorrow all because of The Old Rugged Cross.

INS52- two principles for a happy life… 1) Use things not people  2)Love people not things.

INS53- When you pray God listens. When you listen God Talks. When you believe God works.

INS54- I might not know what a day may bring, but I know who brings the day!

INS55- “Footprints” poem

INS56- Always pray to have: Eyes that see the best in people. A heart that forgives the worst. A mind that forgets the bad. A soul that never loses faith in God.

INS57- You contribute nothing to your salvation except the sin that makes it necessary.

INS58- F-E-A-R Has two meanings: Forget everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. The choice is yours.

INS59- How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.

Marriage sayings list

MAR1- There are two things necessary to keep your wife happy; 1) Let her think she’s having her own way. 2) Let her have it.

MAR2- We were married for better or worse; I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.

MAR3- The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I DO”.

MAR4- Love may be blind, but marriage sure is an eye opener!

MAR5- Stop saying marriage is just a piece of paper. So is money, but you still get up every day and work hard for it.

MAR6- Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other person is the husband.

MAR7- Marriage is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gains her master’s.

MAR8- If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise; if you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.

MAR9- True love is spending one day getting married and the rest of your life feeling glad you did.

MAR10- It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do in life…what matters is who you have with you.

MAR11- A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.


Memorial sayings

M1- When someone you love dies, you never quite get over it. You just slowly learn how to go on without them. But always keep them tucked safely away in your heart.

M2- God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be, so He put His arms around you and whispered “come to Me”. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke our hearts to prove to us He only takes the best.

M3- The hardest part of losing someone we love is not learning to go on without them, it’s learning to go on without the part of us they took with them.

M4- So we are always confident, knowing that when we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.            (2 Corinthians 5:6-8 NASB)

M5- My mind still talks to you, my heart still looks for you, my souls knows you are at peace.

M6- You never said “I’m leaving”, you never said “goodbye”, you were gone before we knew it and only God knows why. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still. In my heart I hold a place that only you can fill. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn’t go alone, a part of me went with you, the day God took you home.

M7- There are no words big enough. Not a hug strong enough. Not a smile wide enough. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves a memory no one can steal.

M8- Remembering you is easy, I do it every day. Missing you is the heartache that never goes away.

M9- I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I sometimes speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part. God has you safely in His arms, but I have you in my heart.

M10- When tomorrow starts without me, try to understand; an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

M11- I haven’t heard your voice in years, but my heart speaks to you every day.

M12- You never forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

M13- I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. And then I realized…You spent the rest of your life with me! I smile because I know you loved me till the day you went away, and will keep loving me till the day we’re together again.

M14- Grief never ends, but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.

M15- Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened!

M16CA- You left paw prints on my Heart. (with cat paw prints)

M16CB- You left paw prints on my hearts and claw marks on my couch! (with cat paw prints)

M16D- You left paw prints on my heart. (with dog paw prints)

M17C- You were my favorite “hello” and my hardest “goodbye”. (with cat paw prints)

M17D- You were my favorite “hello” and my hardest “goodbye”. (with dog paw prints)